Stepmums, Biomums and the Art of Co-Parenting with Toni Graham

What happens when heartbreak and logistics collide in a blended family? How do you keep kids at the centre when emotions run high? Toni, a blended family coach and host of Raising His Kids podcast, joins us to unpack the real work of stepmothering and co‑parenting: identity, boundaries, and the everyday systems that turn chaos into care.

We start with Toni’s unfiltered story, miscarriage confirmed the same day as mediation, and the mental health freefall that followed during COVID. With therapists booked out, she built the community she needed, first as a blog, then as a coaching practice where mums and stepmums find validation and tools that actually work. 

From there we get practical: joint family emails to keep records clean, de‑escalating hostile messages, and using a shared calendar to coordinate custody swaps, sport, therapies and school. The guiding principle is simple but hard: reframe “my time” as “the child’s time,” especially when kids are sick or plans derail.

We dig into identity and security, why names matter less than safety, how a stepmum can be the mother of the house without replacing mum, and why biomums shouldn’t dictate a stepmum’s role. 

Toni offers grounded advice for respectful communication, handling lateness and pickups, and supporting kids who move between homes. We also zoom out to long‑term planning: wills, guardianship, and financial clarity for blended families, plus the marriage maintenance that keeps partners connected while juggling complex schedules.

Connect with Toni on Instagram @raisinghiskids and @myblendedchaos.

If you’re navigating stepmothering, co‑parenting, or simply want stronger systems at home, this conversation blends empathy with action. Subscribe, share with a friend who needs it, and leave a review telling us the one shift you’ll try this week. Your story might help another family breathe easier.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome And Guest Introduction
• 2:30 Tony’s Story And COVID Spiral
• 6:45 Miscarriage, Mediation, And Mental Health
• 11:10 Finding Community And Starting A Platform
• 14:50 Why Stepmothering Feels Harder
• 18:40 Control, Custody Schedules, And Logistics
• 24:20 Illness, Kids’ Needs, And Compassion
• 28:40 Identity, Insecurity, And Inner Work
• 34:10 Names, Roles, And Respecting Boundaries
• 39:20 Teenagers, Belonging, And Family Dynamics
• 43:30 Advice For Biomums Meeting The New Partner

Transcript

Welcome And Guest Introduction

Mel 0:18

Welcome to Beyond Organised, the podcast that helps you simplify your life and amplify your purpose. I'm Mel Schenker, life coach, speaker, founder of She's Organised, but, more importantly, a wife and mum of four little kids. If you've ever felt overwhelmed, like you're constantly juggling everything but never quite catching up, this is the place for you. Here we go beyond just the tidying up and creating systems. We're talking about real life strategies that bring order to your life, but also we talk about the things beyond the organising, the things that really matter, like your parenting relationships and so much more. So grab your coffee and let's dive in.

Mel 0:59

Welcome back to another episode of Beyond Organised. I have Toni here, and just to give you a little bit of background on who this incredible woman is, Toni is a blended family coach, content creator, and the host of Raising His Kids Podcast. As both a biological mum and a bonus mum, she navigates co-parenting from both sides and brings a raw, lived-in perspective to the Blended Family Roller Coaster. Through her coaching, podcast, and online community, Toni supports mums and stepmums to feel understood, empowered, and confident in building a blended family life that truly works for their home. I am so excited to have Toni on the show today to talk on something that I've got no knowledge about. So thank you for coming on, Toni.

Toni 1:45

Thank you for having me. It's been a long time coming. I'm glad we finally found a date that suits both our schedules.

Mel 1:52

I know. It's been months in the making, but I've loved just watching a content, listening to the podcast as well, and just hearing. Wow, thank you. You are a full wealth of knowledge, but especially in an area that I'm completely I can't relate to it. And but I know that there's a big chunk of my listeners that can. So I just I'm really glad to have you on, and maybe you'll gain some some more listeners from this too for your podcast because it's pretty great. So what got you inspired to do what you're doing with your business and podcast and everything?

Toni 2:30

Basically, a lack of community. So I've talked about it on my own podcast. I was struggling through COVID. I was a new mum again. And um, I don't know how much detail you want to use, so feel free to cut anything out that you want to cut out. But um, my youngest child was born at the beginning of 2020. She is the ours baby of the family. My husband and I each brought children into the relationship. Um and I have a history of miscarriages and secondary infertility and all the rest.

Mel 3:05

I'm so sorry.

Toni 3:07

It's okay. It's um it's something that I have healed through. But in 2021, so still in the thick of COVID and lockdowns, and you felt it worse than I did in Melbourne. Australia was bad enough, but yeah, Melbourne was pretty bad. Yeah, and I was pretty lucky in Brisbane. We didn't feel it as much like the three-day sunshine. Yeah, right. Um but the beginning of 2021, I had a miscarriage. And the day the miscarriage was confirmed was when my husband had mediation. And for anyone who's never been through mediation, it's what you do to sort out custody disputes, basically. It's yeah, it's the step before court, it's where you ideally want to work things out so you can stay out of family court. Um, and he messaged me and said, Yep, well, it looks like we're off to court. And I responded with Yeah, and it's confirmed I just had a miscarriage.

Mel 4:09

Oh gosh.

Toni 4:10

So um my mental health means my mental health spiraled because you know, you you probably have some listeners that are both mums and step-mums. Um but at that time, speaking from a stepmum's persp perspective, I had this other woman basically saying that my husband, who is an awesome dad, couldn't have his children because she didn't want him to. Right? For no other reason other than she wanted control. He wasn't abusive, he wasn't a bad dad, using the children like that. And it's awful, but you do see it a lot in the blended family community, yeah, unfortunately. Um so I was spiraling and my mental health was plummeting, and I was trying to process a another miscarriage, and you know, anyone who's ever had a miscarriage that is enough all on its own.

Mel 5:09

Yeah, your world just stops for a while. Yeah, your heart breaks.

Toni 5:12

And to be raw and honest, I walked into my doctor's office and I said, I need help because the other day I was wondering what it would feel like to ram my car into a tree. Oh my gosh. So that's how bad it got. And it was actually my doctor who was like, you know, no one could see a therapist at that point in time because everyone was in therapy because of COVID, so you couldn't get a therapist. And he goes, start a blog, start an online journal, find your community. I couldn't find my community, so I created my community. Um and I met some incredible women from not only in Australia, and some of which are now my best friends that I met locally through Instagram, but even some that are on the other side of the world. So I've got friends in America, Canada. Um, I've recently started talking to another one in the Netherlands. Oh, okay, and having constant communication and being able to feed off each other and have someone who actually relates to what is going on. Because one thing I'm gonna say being a mother is hard, but being a stepmother is actually harder than being a mother.

Miscarriage, Mediation, And Mental Health

Mel 6:37

Yeah, I can imagine. I honestly can. Because I've I've got four kids. I know you've got four kids in your family unit, and I've got four, but they are all mine. Like I I've got control over all of them, and so does my husband. They're ours together, and so we don't have an extra person in our relationship. We don't have, or, or potentially even an extra two people in our relationship. Like, we don't have that to contend with. We can make those decisions and they're ours to make. And yeah, life is tough with four kids and you know, life gets crazy and all of that, but it's still our life. I've got friends, you know, people that are so close to me that are single mums, are now step-mums, like all of this too. And I hear their stories and that, and I can empathize with them, but I'm never gonna know. Well, assuming everything goes well here, I'm never gonna know what it actually feels like to be them in their life. Like you, you have an experience that is is difficult, but it's also fantastic that you get to build a life with someone else and that you get to build that creative family, but boy, it's hard work. I can I can see it. I can see it with my friends, the hard work and the emotional work that goes into it. Um, and the lack of control, I would really struggle with that.

Toni 8:07

Yeah, the lack of control is the biggest thing. Like I was saying to you before we started recording. Most of the stepmums I've spoken to, we joke about being recovering control freaks because we can't control it. Imagine, so you know the chaos of having four kids and let's take this back to keeping organized, right? Imagine trying to organize your children's schedule just as it is, but then throw in a custody schedule.

Mel 8:37

Yeah, where you have to follow that.

Toni 8:42

Have you got do have you worked out what you're doing with the summer break for the kids? Because as of like week on, week off, there's a changeover on a Friday, but then there's a changeover on the Saturday for the other group of kids. Um one get one has an exchange at 5 30 p.m., the other has an exchange at 10 a.m.

Mel 8:57

Gosh, you really do have to be organized, don't you?

Toni 9:01

Like, because if you're not, you're gonna get in trouble. Exactly. And at one point, so two kids go to the same other home. Um, and at one point they were on two different schedules.

Mel 9:16

What who thought that was a good idea?

Toni 9:21

Oh my god. So on paper, they're on the same schedule, but the eldest was playing football. His mother didn't want to facilitate training or anything like that. So it was our responsibility. Yeah. Now we live an hour apart.

Mel 9:40

Mm-hmm. Yeah, you throw that in the mix. Oh my gosh, there goes hours in your week.

Toni 9:46

Right. So, this is also another reason why I didn't work for four years because I was too busy driving from Brisbane to the Gold Coast to do coverage. Should be added in your resume, though.

Mel 9:57

Like seriously, you might not have been working outside of the home, but the home was more than a full-time job. Uber driver for free, chef, nurse, everything else, Tudor.

Toni 10:11

My God.

Mel 10:11

Yeah, meeting. Yeah, yeah.

Toni 10:13

So right. So basically, the eldest would come to us for the nights he had training, plus every other weekend, while his younger brother was just doing week on, week off. Mm-hmm.

Mel 10:28

Gotcha. Okay. Oh man. I yeah, and that's just before you can even plan your week. Like that's just that's the foundational stuff you have to do. And then you have your normal life on top of it. You try to have your normal life on top of it.

Finding Community And Starting A Platform

Toni 10:46

Right. And then you've got the things that just randomly pop up. Yeah, life. Kids getting sick. Forget kids getting sick on a custody schedule day because I betcha the kid the school's calling the wrong parent. Because how can they how can they remember the custody schedule? And we like we can barely remember it. Kids forget to go, oh, I'm with this parent because they're too busy throwing up.

Mel 11:10

What happens with that? Like, just say you're meant to hand, you know, one of the boys over, but they're like in bed really sick, and they really shouldn't be getting out of bed. Like, do you just work that out with the mum? Or like, I don't know. What happens?

Toni 11:28

Every person's situation is different. It's gonna be different. Yeah. Um, we personally, because I had a new baby at the beginning of COVID, we integrated a COVID clause early on at the beginning of COVID, um, for both our kids and their other parents, which was if one of the boys were to get COVID, they were to stay at whatever house they were in to not cross-pread it. Um, but the amount of times the boys would come to us, hand foot, mouth disease, constant runny noses, like it was like a never and I get it, kids get sick, but why is it that we get them better for them just to come back to get hands back?

Mel 12:14

Yeah, I feel like that's always the case with daycare as well, though. Like you get them better, you send them back, they get sick, you come back and be like, you got it from there. Why can't you go back there?

Toni 12:26

Anyway, oh right. And that's what I'm saying. That was that wasn't that's yeah, we could do a whole podcast just on. Um but if you're thinking of the children's best interests, which let's face it, that's what you should be doing. And it's easier to go, well, that's my time. Reframing it from it's your time to it's the child's time. Yeah, the child doesn't want to go between homes, and let's face it, even kids that love their dads, they want to be with their mum when they're sick.

Mel 13:00

Yeah, yeah, true. Because mums just nurture and care that little bit differently. Yeah, my husband's pretty good, I will say.

Toni 13:10

So even now, like my stepsons, they're 15 and 13. If they wake up and they're vomiting in the middle of the night, they've got a headache, they're not waking up their dad. They're waking me up. Yeah, they're coming up because I may not be their mother, but I am the mother of my house.

Mel 13:26

Yeah, for sure. And you're gonna care and look after them in that moment, yeah.

Toni 13:32

Like, and that's one thing bio mums don't realize too often. And they don't acknowledge the role that the stepmother plays, and too often that is because, and this may ruffle some feathers, but it's because the bio mum is insecure in her role and she actually believes that another woman could replace her in her child's life.

Mel 13:55

Yeah, that's a bit to process and work through.

Toni 13:58

It is a bit to process, and for me, I'm eight years in.

Mel 14:04

Yeah. You've been around a long time and you're not going anywhere.

Toni 14:08

So Yeah. And but even for me, I'm a biomum as well, not just a stepmum. And I did have moments of insecurity. But when I accepted that my son's stepmother was going to be in his life, and she came into his life when he was very young. And the way I found out about her was him telling me that daddy has a new friend that feeds him snacks while she drives him around in her car.

Mel 14:31

Gotcha. Okay, thanks for letting me know. I've got to process this now.

Toni 14:36

Right. But at first I was insecure because I'm like, who is this woman? Why is she around my kid? Yeah.

Why Stepmothering Feels Harder

Mel 14:44

But then when I know that they're gonna be okay for your child, that your child is safe with them. They're not gonna get abused or just damaged or anything.

Toni 14:56

Absolutely. And she and I do not have a relationship at all. We don't communicate. Um, the extent of our relationship is sometimes she'll be on my driveway doing custody exchanges on behalf of my son's dad. Things changed for me when I accepted that she was going to be in his life. And also being secure within myself. But that took a lot of self-inner work. It was. And that's one thing that I try to do with my coaching is helping mums and stepmoms be secure in their role.

Mel 15:29

Yeah. It's probably coming back to your identity, isn't it? It's actually going, who am I? And I'm not, I'm not just mom, I'm not just stepmom. I'm like, who am I? And being confident in who you are as a person, not just in your role, right? Like that's what I'm thinking from what you're saying.

Toni 15:52

That's exactly it. And also, like, let's put it in perspective like touch wood, nothing's gonna happen in your marriage. But let's say your husband and you split up tomorrow. Yeah, and he he gets a new girlfriend and she's all of a sudden around your kids. You start questioning your worth because, like, hang on, I wasn't good enough for him. So am I if I'm not good enough for him, am I not good enough for my kids? Yeah, that's where that self-doubt comes. And that's one reason why I do the coaching is because women deserve to be secure within themselves.

Mel 16:20

Yeah. Yeah, that's a really good point. Yeah, that's a that's not a nice thought.

Toni 16:27

It's not, but you need to find who you are without like outside of being a mum. Put out some value in that.

Mel 16:35

Yeah.

Toni 16:36

Yeah. And once you're secure, you know that it doesn't matter how many girlfriends your kid's dad has, they could never replace you. And as a stepmum, the value of your role in the children's life isn't measured by what they call you. Because so many times stepmums will be like, oh my god, I want them to call me mum. I do all the mum things, but you're not their mum. Yeah, they have a mum. Secure stepmums know that. Yeah. The insecure stepmoms are still they're trying to find their place and they go about it the wrong way. And I see it all the time. But a secure stepmum knows that. I grew up in a blended family where my biological mother was mum to my older siblings. So for me, it was normal for stepmum to be mum. Um, and it's never anything I asked of my kids because they've always just called me Tony, which is fine. Looking back, I'm like, I wish I like got them started on a nickname or something. Only because now that we have a daughter together, she calls me Tony.

Mel 17:46

Well, my three-year-olds going around saying Melissa, Melissa, I'm like, I'm mum to you.

Control, Custody Schedules, And Logistics

Toni 17:53

Right. And I'll tell you one thing that anyway. But I'll tell you one thing that stung was when my this this will this will make you laugh. When my daughter turned around and called her siblings, like her two oldest brothers, mum, mum, that stung. That stung. But that was like a teaching moment for us because the boys would always call, they'd refer to their mum as mum to her. And then we had to be like, okay, not asking you to call me mum, but the same as you would talk to a friend when you're at a friend's house, and you'd say, Oh, go talk, go ask your mum if we can do this. You would use the words your mum. Mum.

Mel 18:40

Yeah.

Toni 18:41

Right. And I said to him, You're not calling me mum. You're you're just telling her the words your mum so that she learns the difference.

Mel 18:48

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Toni 18:50

And there's an extra word in front of it. Correct. And so many people, I remember when I first posted about it myself, and that was years ago, because I think she was like two or three when she first did it. And they're like, Oh my god, you're telling your stepkids to call you mum. No, never. Would never do that. If they turned around to me and they they thought of because I see mum as a title, not a name. Yeah, yeah, it's a role. And you know, and some mums disagree with that, and that is okay because we're allowed a difference of opinion. But for me, it was more about teaching her the difference between their mum and her mum.

Mel 19:29

Yeah, yeah.

Toni 19:31

But that makes total sense to me. Yeah. Yeah. Um, even my son, I said to him, he's got two other siblings in the other house. And I said to him, I said, Look, if it's easier for you, if you want to call her mum, that's fine. And I have no relationship with her. He turned around, and I don't know if it's the autism, because that's an added bonus to my household is raising neurodivergent children. Um, he just turned around and goes, She's not my mum, and I want to. Never call her mom. And I'm like, fine, whatever. I was just telling you if you're not sure.

Mel 20:03

That's for you and her to work out in your relationship together. Yeah.

Toni 20:08

Because I never wanted my son to fear that if he was comfortable in his relationship with her to call her that, I didn't want him to fear my opinion.

Mel 20:18

Because that's so that he's secure. He's secure with you, regardless.

Toni 20:23

Yeah. Exactly. Um and you know, as much as as the adults in the situation, we need to be secure. Our children need to feel secure, and they never need to fear judgment from one parent or the other.

Mel 20:37

Yeah. Good on you. That that is such a healthy approach because ultimately you are thinking of your children first, both biological and your stepkids. You're thinking of them first. And if if every parent did that, we'd have a lot less issues, I think.

Toni 20:56

We'd have a lot of problem. It it does carry over into a nuclear family as well.

Mel 21:02

Yeah.

Toni 21:03

Because even though you and your husband are married, you're still co-parenting with him.

Mel 21:08

Yeah. Yeah. We've got to be on the same page with a lot of things. And um, thankfully we are. I think we're both raised quite similar in values and things. And it does make a big difference. Because I've seen a couple of friends where they married someone that was completely different to who they are and it was exciting and all of that. But there's a lot of tension, like there's a lot of things that you gotta navigate because you're both raised so differently. So look, every relationship has its troubles, but I think when you throw kids in the mix, that's just another whole level that I just have so much respect for women out there that can can actually get to a stage where they're okay in their role as a stepmom and as a mum and and all the bits, and they're just like, okay, it's not perfect, but I'm I'm handling the day all right. We're we're at a good place. Like because that's so much work to get to that.

Toni 22:09

So it is. Yeah, it's it's a lot of work, and I've I've lived it, you know. Like I said, I'm I'm eight years in. Um and it's it's my second time being a stepmum. I became a young stepmum at 19. Like I had no like no place being a stepmum at 19. Um, but that was a completely different situation. Like my boyfriend at the time had full custody of his son. Mum wasn't in the picture. Several reasons why that happened. Um, but the child also had a disability. So I all of a sudden overnight became like an instant mum, and I was the only mum that this kid knew. And you're ready for it at 19. Goodness.

Mel 22:53

No, like who's ready to be a mum at 19, let alone a stepmum? It's hard enough if you fall pregnant at a young age. You've got a little bit of time to process, probably. Even though you can have all the time in the world to process, it's still going to be hard at that age. But it's yeah, to just be thrown in instantly. Yeah. That's hard. That's hard.

Toni 23:13

And it would have taken a toll on your relationship too. So it did. Um, and I didn't do the things that normal 19-year-olds were doing. I was at home changing nappies instead of hitting up the valley in Brisbane.

Mel 23:27

Yeah. Goodness. But life experience that's not wasted because look at where you are now. And I'm sure there's skills that yes, you would have been rather being out with your friends and everything, but it's helped you probably navigate some of this part of your life too. 100%. What do you feel is probably the number one thing that a lot of step mums struggle with in taking up the title of stepmum?

Toni 23:58

Understanding their role, but not only understanding their role, but understanding the expectations that the Barum has, their partner has, and the children has. Because children don't necessarily depending on what age they are when you come into the picture, they don't necessarily want another mum.

Mel 24:20

Yeah.

Toni 24:21

And you've got to work that out. Um, I definitely mother my boys, but the way I parent both of my stepsons is uh different to each other. Like one completely wholeheartedly accepts me. I'm another mother. He tells people I'm his other mother. He he thinks it's really funny because we're a teenager. Because he's but he he does it because he's a teenager, so he thinks it's funny when people think that he has two lesbian mums. Gotcha.

Mel 24:56

Yeah, just what you want people thinking. Just throw another whole thing in the mix.

Toni 25:01

Right. Um, and he he it's really funny. So if I throw up our family photo and go guess which kid's which without giving you the dynamic, most people actually pick him as my child. Yeah. Which is really funny because they'll pick the two middle boys as my husbands, and they often ask us if those boys are twins, and we're like, they're not even related.

Mel 25:25

Yeah. Wow. Wow. That's kind of cool though. That's cool that you actually look like a family, you know, and you kind of feel in that.

Toni 25:35

Well, because there's nothing worse, and it makes a stepmother more insecure than looking at a family photo and you're standing out like a sore thumb. Sore thumb, yeah.

Mel 25:46

Yeah. But I mean, uh, my my sister-in-law, she married someone of a completely different race, and their children are mixed, and I guess they kind of look more like him because he's quite dark. And I mean, gorgeous. Oh my gosh, they are perfect little human beings. They are so cute. But I guess, you know, that's another thing to navigate too when your own biological kids don't even look quite like you. So that's that's also another thing that people have to deal with out there too. But just in you saying this and coming from a step-mum perspective, what advice would you have for someone that's a bio mum that has to then process a new woman on the scene that could become the stepmum of their children? What advice would you maybe have for the bio mums in that?

Toni 26:35

Don't come in telling the stepmum what her role will be. Because that that's just gonna set it off to a bad start. Yeah. Um, be open to communication. Not everyone is going to be reasonable, so let's be real there. But it's okay to tell her if she oversteps, but you don't need to tell her to stay in her lane because you need to remember that her lane is within her home.

Mel 27:07

Yeah. Yep.

Toni 27:08

She has every right to, you know, be who she is in her own home. Yeah. And this is coming from a stepmum who attends pediatrician appointments, takes children to therapies. I do all of those things. I am a heavily involved stepmum. But I don't overstep. And I can recognize when it is bio mum and biodads time to do things.

Mel 27:35

Yeah.

Toni 27:37

Um so just yeah, as a bio mum. Give them a chance. Give give them a chance because not they most stepmums know who you are. They are not trying to replace you. They're actually just trying to find who they are within their home.

Mel 27:57

Yeah. And just trying to establish their own relationship with your ex and trying to have their own life there and and find their place and have their own relationship with your children, which doesn't replace you. It's just a different it's just a new relationship.

Toni 28:14

Correct. And another way to look at it is as a mum, do you mother your friends' kids? And do your friends mother your kids either in your presence or in your absence?

Identity, Insecurity, And Inner Work

Mel 28:30

No, not really. I mean, my friends have the right to pull them up on things if they see them wrong because we have that agreement. But ultimately, I still make the final call and they still make the final call on their kids, but they've got the permission from me to be able to pull them up on something if they see them do the wrong thing. Or whatever. Correct.

Toni 28:52

And if if you weren't there though, let's say kids were having a play date, one of your kids hurt themselves. Would you expect your friend to ignore them? Or would you you expect your friend to cuddle them, nurture them, give them a band-aid, give them kisses and cuddles to make them feel better? Yeah. Yeah. The latter. That is yeah, that is what I'm talking about when I say mothering that child. Yeah. They're they're just another person to love the child.

Mel 29:19

Yeah.

Toni 29:20

But your friend would not be trying to replace you.

Mel 29:23

Well, I can see if you're secure, if you're secure, like what you're helping women do and getting secure, then you go, how is this a bad thing for my child when they've got more people loving on them? Like, it's just, it's how is this a bad thing? Like, they're not replacing me, still got me, but when I'm not around, they've got someone else to love them. That's just an extra person in their life. Like, in my mind, I think, how is that a bad thing? Because if it were me and my children, like if my husband was to then meet someone else and have that, and I and I would think he would pick someone that's pretty nice and pretty good. Like you would want to have Yeah, I would think so. I mean, I know what he's like as a character, so I think he would pick someone that's got good values and a good person. And if she was then loving on my children and being there and helping them and supporting them and and nurturing them when they needed it, I mean, in my mind, I just go, how is that a bad thing? Like because I love my children and I want them to be looked after.

Toni 30:29

When it first happens, it can feel like you're being stabbed in the chest.

Mel 30:34

Yeah, of course.

Toni 30:35

Like you're being replaced and everything. You're being replaced and your your thoughts spiral. But when you take a step back and you look at it from the kid's perspective, because this is important. Yeah. When you look at it from the kids' pers perspective, how is it bad? Because I I know for for me my son does not have the relationship with his stepmother that I wish he did. Yeah. And that is hard. That's hard. And that's one reason why I can't understand why my older kids' mother still doesn't respect my role in their life.

Mel 31:20

When you're actually loving and caring on them the way you wish your son's stepmum would for your own son. Yeah. Yeah. Because we're all so different, aren't we?

Toni 31:34

Yeah. And and it's little things, right? Like, let me give you an example. What time does your kids' school finish? 3.30. 3.30? So if whoever's meant to pick them up didn't show up till 4.30, how how would that make you feel?

Mel 31:51

I'd be stressing.

Toni 31:53

I'd be worried that they're left alone. I would be pretty frustrated. You'd maybe go 3.45, okay, there was traffic.

Mel 32:01

Yeah, my kids know if someone's running late, they know where to wait and all of that, but no one's ever been sort of later than 3.50. Uh a lot of the time we let them play. They're a little bit older, so it's it's okay. But yeah, if it was like 4 30, they'd be freaking out. They'd probably be crying, be waiting at the office. The office would probably be calling us, go, what who's what's going on?

Toni 32:22

Right. And so as I said before, like I have an hour drive to go pick my stepsons up from school. There's been times where I was running late. I called their mother and said, Hey. And her and I don't have a great relationship, but we've been able to communicate when we need to for the sake of the children. I've called her and said, Hey, I'm I'm running late. Can the boys catch a butt bus back to your place? And I'll grab them as soon as I can. Yeah, no worries. Call the kids, catch a bus. Go back. And they're like, We're gonna be catching a bus. Like, to your mother's, I'll pick you up when I get there. Yeah, that's the relationship that you need. You need that secure relationship. You know, there was a point where my husband and his ex-wife couldn't communicate, and I started getting these random phone calls, and I had no idea what was going on. And I'm like shaking, going, Oh my god, panic attack, why is she calling me? Yeah. And I answer it, and it would be simple questions like, hey, so I'm just confirming the custody schedule because there was like a few swaps at the time that we did. And she goes, Do you have scripts? Do you need scripts? What meds do you need? They're the things that you should be able to have. And even as a mum co-parenting, you should be able to have those conversations with your ex.

Mel 33:34

Yeah.

Toni 33:35

And if you're a stepmom, you shouldn't be stopping your partner from having those conversations with their ex.

Names, Roles, And Respecting Boundaries

Mel 33:41

Mmm. Yeah. Well, there's so many moving parts. My brain's already like, I'm just like, I don't know how you navigate it all. Like, you really, if you weren't an organized person before all of this, you kind of are forced into having a level of order because you have no choice. Otherwise, you just completely fall apart and you'd probably lose custody altogether. And then you just it's too big a risk, right? Like, oh my gosh, my brain is like reeling with all this stuff.

Toni 34:16

Things that have helped us stay organized is we have a joint family email address. So that is where all the communication for my stepsons go to. We don't use it for our child or my son because I let let's face it, I'm the organized one. Yep. Easy to keep it separate. Yeah. But um, so we have an email address that either my husband or I can respond to, but he has access to it. So he still gets the information for his sons. But there was a point in time where he was actually having panic attacks when he would see an email from his ex-wife come through. Yeah.

Mel 34:57

He couldn't read. Well, there's a reason why it ended.

Toni 35:00

So there's a lot of a lot of another whole layer of things to deal with. So let's put on one of my other hats is that um I was ghostwriting for two years for him. I ghostwrote all the communication, and I only gave him so I'd read the emails from her, I'd give him the important parts without the emotion. Yeah. He'd respond very emotionally, and then I would respond taking the emotion out. Filter it, yeah. Mm-hmm. Because they were just constantly at each other, and it was to the point where they were copying solicitors in on emails.

Mel 35:37

Oh my god.

Toni 35:38

Well, and that's what I'm saying.

Mel 35:40

I know not everyone not everyone's relationship is like that and and ends that that way. I do get that, but there's probably a lot more people than not in in your situation. Yeah.

Toni 35:52

What what's funny though is where my husband and I got together, we thought it would be with my ex that we had the hostile court battles because him him and his ex-wife ended pretty amicably. It was almost like a almost like a consciously, like uh, what is it, the uncoupling. He'd been sleeping on a couch for two years, like it was an example. Yeah. Yeah. Um, but it all spiraled when she found out that we were having a baby.

Mel 36:23

Mm-hmm.

Toni 36:25

So my gosh, Tony. That could be a whole other conversation that we have.

Mel 36:31

I feel like we could have like 10 conversations and fill up 10 different topics and things on here. I just we really could. Oh, I've I've got to say, I have loved having you on and just being able to process and understand a bit more this whole other world that so many people live in. Like, isn't it like 50% of marriages or something end now? Like it's it's something pretty big, and there's a lot that have children involved.

Toni 37:01

70% of first marriages end in divorce, and 52% of second marriages end in divorce.

Mel 37:10

What? That's insane. That is insane. Wow. So my husband and I are like a minority here.

Toni 37:17

Far out. Yeah. And the the younger you get married, the higher the chance of divorce is.

Mel 37:24

I was 24. I'm 37 now though, so I think we're doing all right. My husband was married for 20 years. Wow. Yeah. Look, and I think I think you just can't get complacent either. You can't, you my husband and I we just went away for my birthday for a night and we left the kids with my mum, which was nice. And just having time together, because it was nice because ultimately the way I see it is one day the kids will grow up, move out, move on, and I don't want to be married to a stranger. And we might that's if we're lucky enough to get to that stage, right? Like I wanna I want to enjoy the person I'm married to now. And he does too. Like, and we're good. We're we're we're all right. It would have to be something I pretty much said the only way he's allowed to leave me is if he died. So that he's not allowed to do that either. I know, but he's also not allowed to do that because I'm not raising these four kids on my own.

Toni 38:25

Well, I actually just said to my husband, I said, New Year, we need to get our will solidified. Because and this goes back to being organized, right? Like, I don't know if you've talked about this on the podcast, but as a blended family, our three older boys automatically go to their other parents.

Mel 38:43

Yes, but what does that mean?

Toni 38:44

Something happened to one or both of us, but what happens to her? What do we do with it? And then how do we split the finances? Because let's be real, if we both die, she has no one. The other three have other parents.

Teenagers, Belonging, And Family Dynamics

Mel 38:58

Another parent, yeah. If we both die. Which is probably more likely to happen in in some ways because it's not like you're traveling together and you're doing other things, you might end up in an accident together. Like the the other three are likely to have another parent to still go to. But yeah, oh gosh. I mean, we did all our wills and that a couple years ago, and even just sorting out who would have the kids if all of them were like who could take on four kids, and I don't want them to be split up, like even that's hard enough. But oh my gosh, yeah, you would have a whole other layer of things to deal with.

Toni 39:31

My head's just we we had a plan, but then my husband's brother and his wife split up. So we're like, well, we we she can't go to them now. Mm-hmm.

Mel 39:45

So Yeah, because you gotta you gotta account for all of that too, don't you? That relationships they might not last with the people you even pick, and then but you don't want to be updating and changing the will like every few years. That's expensive too. You want to set up a Way that can work.

Toni 40:03

Maybe we should do a whole episode on organizing wills after I actually do mine in the new year.

Mel 40:08

Yeah, that sounds good because I've actually already gone through it. So I can do it from my side of things, and then you could do it from your side of things. And you'd probably need two-thirds of the time because yours would be a lot more complicated than mine.

Toni 40:23

My whole life is complicated.

Mel 40:24

It's chaos. I know, but you know what? Like, even in my community, I've got the she's organized hub, and I've got like over a hundred women in there, and so many of them are single mums or step-moms and navigating so many things. And I appreciate just hearing you speak and learning from you on things because there is an element of things that I can't help them with. Like, yes, I can help with a lot of things, and I can help them process a lot of things and obviously help them get organized with a certain amount of things, but there's still just a layer that I'm not the best fit for. Like I can't help that part of their life because I don't really know. So it's great connecting with you because I can just be like, you know what? Where I can't help you with this, I know a great lady, Tony. Go see her. She's she can fill in that gap for you.

Toni 41:19

Awesome. And honestly, anytime if you have a question and you need a quick answer, just shoot me a message. I generally have my phone on me all day. I'll respond at some point.

Mel 41:30

Yeah, that sounds so good. Well, I feel like we could talk forever, and we probably honestly we could. And um, and I will definitely be getting you back in the future. I have to 100% get you back from what I'm doing.

Toni 41:42

I need to have you on my podcast as well so that you can teach me some other ways to be organized, but yeah, also the rest of my kids.

Mel 41:49

Well, you've given me a lot to think about and process that I can go, you know what? There's a full demographic of women that I I need to study up more and I can focus and go, okay, what's gonna work, what's not gonna work, what works for a whole lot of other people that doesn't work for for you. So I've got I've got some homework to do, which excites me because I love this stuff. I love it. So which is a good thing. That's why I why I do what I do. But um I'm excited. I would love to come on your podcast and um go through that. But anyway, we can talk about that we go. Well, thank you so much, Tony. Now, if people want to get in touch with you, where's the best place to find you?

Toni 42:31

So I have two Instagram platforms, one being My Blended Chaos, which is where I sort of share more of my blended family life and just sort of bloggish updates from time to time. Or then there's the Raising His Kids podcast. Now, don't be thrown off, there is a lot more stepmom content on there because when the podcast was created, it was purely just for stepmoms. But as I started doing it on my own, it morphed into a podcast for all mothers in blended families.

Mel 43:02

Yeah, awesome. Well, I'll make sure all the details are in the notes so they know where to find you and how to find you and get in contact with you. But I just want to thank you again for coming on, for sharing your personal experience as well. I know that can be quite vulnerable and that even though I know you've been doing it a while. I still appreciate you sharing it. So thank you so much for coming on, Toni. I really appreciate it.

Toni 43:27

Thank you for having me. It's been a blast.

Advice For Biomums Meeting The New Partner

Mel 43:29

You're welcome.

Mel 43:30

If you like this episode, don't forget to hit subscribe so you don't miss what's coming next. And if you want to continue the conversation, you can connect with me on Instagram @shes.organised or for some free resources, head over to beyondorganised.com/ toolkit. Remember, organising is a tool to live the purposeful life beyond it. See you next time.