When the Life You Wanted Feels Heavier Than You Expected

Have you ever achieved something wonderful only to feel guilty about it? That strange, uncomfortable feeling that somehow you don't deserve good things?

This episode dives into a powerful conversation I had with a dear friend who, after losing significant weight and undergoing skin removal surgery, felt guilt instead of celebration. Her words stunned me: "Good things like this don't happen to people like me." This sentiment opened a profound exploration of why we sometimes reject happiness even when we've worked hard to earn it.

Many of us, particularly women, carry mental scripts from our upbringing or past experiences that tell us we're not worthy of success or joy. We become so accustomed to struggle that when good things arrive, we don't know how to process them properly. Even more concerning, we sometimes believe that by claiming our own happiness, we're somehow diminishing others'.

I share my personal journey with negative self-talk and how my husband's simple "piggy bank" intervention (a dollar for every negative comment about myself) revealed I was making twenty self-critical remarks daily. The path to change began with simply catching myself, then gradually introducing positive affirmations until my mindset genuinely transformed.

Your words hold power over your beliefs and your beliefs shape your reality. Whether you're struggling with parenting overwhelm, relationship challenges, or career roadblocks, changing your self-talk can be the catalyst for profound transformation. This episode offers practical strategies for breaking the cycle of guilt and negative self-perception so you can finally embrace the happiness you deserve.

Ready to start speaking life over yourself? Listen now and discover how your light doesn't dim anyone else's, it only helps others see what's possible in their own lives.

Chapters

• 0:18 Welcome to Beyond Organised
• 1:04 The Weight Loss Success Story
• 3:20 The Default to Guilt
• 6:01 You Are Enough
• 9:09 The Power of Positive Self-Talk
• 13:09 The Piggy Bank Challenge
• 17:59 Your Light Doesn't Dim Others

Transcript

Mel: 0:18

Welcome to Beyond Organised, the podcast that helps you simplify your life and amplify your purpose. I'm Mel Schenker, life coach, speaker, founder of She's Organised and, more importantly, a wife and mum of four little kids. If you've ever felt overwhelmed, like you're constantly juggling everything but never quite catching up, this is the place for you. Here we go beyond just the tidying up and creating systems. We're talking about real-life strategies that bring order to your life, but also we talk about the things beyond the organizing, the things that really matter, like your parenting relationships and so much more. So grab your coffee and let's dive in. Welcome to today's episode.

Mel: 1:04

I am actually really excited to talk to you about this one. It doesn't have a ton to do with organizing, but it really has a lot to do with how we see ourselves. So I have this beautiful, beautiful friend. We have worked together in various jobs for a few years and we've done a lot of life together, and I have seen her struggle with her weight for quite a long time Now. This is something that she has had to deal with her whole life and in the last few years she lost all that excess weight. She'd probably argue with me on that one, but I would say she's lost a ton and she's done incredibly well to keep it off. She has just come out of hospital for having the skin removal surgery. Being the skin removal surgery, that's not an easy process in itself. That's painful and she has worked so hard to get to where she is at.

Mel: 2:17

And this is sort of that final part of the chapter of this book. Obviously, your weight, your health, all that kind of stuff, it's a lifelong journey. I get that. But for this part of it this is sort of that final chapter. And when she got the bandages off and stuff and she got to look at her stomach for the first time, what did you think she felt? How would you have felt? I know for me I would have been like ecstatic. I can tell you, after four kids, I could barely see my feet over my stomach from abdominal separation and all that stuff. So I know for me I would be ecstatic if I looked down and I could see, you know, even down to my feet. But that, unfortunately, was not how she felt.

Mel: 3:15

She felt guilty and I asked her why? Why do you feel guilty when you've finally achieved your goal? And she said to me good things like this don't happen to people like me. It doesn't happen to people in my family. It doesn't happen to people in my family. I'm not used to this. I'm not used to things going right, and I had to stop and think for a minute because I feel like we can get caught up in the cycles of where we come from, our background, how we're raised, our family life, all of that, and we can have sort of a negative filter in some ways of how our life is going to look because of how it has looked before.

Mel: 4:18

So then when something good does happen, don't know how to process it and you go to sort of this default and guilt is a pretty common one, and I see this all the time with women and mums and that you know we get this life. I know I have had moments when I look at my kids and I look at my life and I go wow, like finally, in the house we built we've got four beautiful kids, I've got a fantastic husband, I've got all these things. And there are moments when I'm like I just I need a break, I need to step away for a minute, like it's all too much, and then you start feeling guilty because you think I finally got the life I wanted and I've got a life that a lot of people want. I'm not naive to that. But then the guilt comes for feeling that way and it made me think why? Why do we default to this guilt? And I think a big part of it is because we just don't know how to process it and we haven't had a chance to rewrite the script in our mind. And so, talking to my friend about this, I encouraged her to start speaking life, start speaking positive to the situation. I said, look, it might feel silly to begin with because you don't necessarily believe it, but what you say often enough does become what you believe. And if she can say actually I do deserve this, I worked so freaking hard for this, this is my time, this is my moment to be happy she can speak this kind of stuff into her. I can guarantee after a while she'll start to believe it.

Mel: 6:25

Because what we believe, a big part of our fundamental beliefs, comes from what we say to ourselves. Yes, it's influenced by other people, different opinions, different things that go, oh yep, that's persuasive, oh yeah, I could see that point of view, all that kind of stuff. But really it comes down to what we say, what comes out of our mouths. We hold so much power in our words and it does help shape our mind. So, so I'm hoping that this might encourage you.

Mel: 7:07

If you're in a situation where something's actually going right for you and you're not quite feeling it the the emotions don't match up with the experience I encourage you to just start speaking life. Start speaking good things over you, because you alone are the only ones that can actually control the outcome of your life. Look, I am a firm believer in God. I am a Christian, so there's a lot more other parts to it, but for this time, this moment, what I'm going into, I want to encourage you on what you say to yourself, and if you are someone who shares the faith, like me, then press into what God says about you, because he created you and he created you just the way you are. Now you might go, Mel, I've got this disability, I've got mental health issues, I've got this, that, this, that, yes, and we do live in a fallen world and things don't always go right in our minds of how things should go, but nothing is wrong with you. It doesn't matter what the world might say, what you might even think you are enough. You are who the world needs, who your family needs. Your children need your parents, friends, you, no one else.

Mel: 9:11

It's funny how we prioritize everyone else and their feelings and their thoughts on things like this. We think we can't be happy because I'm not being humble enough, I'm being selfish, all of that. But, like in the situation with my friend, her experience here is not negatively affecting anyone else. It's not that she has had a good thing at the expense of someone else. It's like you know she hasn't robbed someone and now she's got the great thing and the person that owned it doesn't. It's not. It's not the case, and I think we think that by us being happy, we're taking happiness away from others. And that's not true. Why can't we all be happy? And I get that as women, we can think about everyone else and everyone else's happiness so much easier than our own.

Mel: 10:28

I've struggled with this, too, for so long, but I've even come to a point where I just go no, I deserve to be happy. I do, and there's only one me. There is no one else like me. And yeah, I might have double gangers and that, and I swear I saw my double ganger in Germany quite a number of years ago, even my husband was taken back. But you know, we might have people that look like us, we might have people that think like us, but ultimately there's only one of us. Might have people that think like us, but ultimately there's only one of us, and you are enough. You're irreplaceable. You are deserving of being happy.

Mel: 11:20

Now I don't know your situation. I don't know what you're going through, and it can be for some of us a really tough season, whether it's motherhood, whether it's breakdowns of relationships. Whatever situation you might find yourself in, it can be tough. I am not discrediting whatever situation you might find yourself in, but sometimes we can't change the season we're in and what's going on around us all that much. We might be able to influence little bits here and there and make things a bit easier for ourselves, and that's where a lot of my coaching comes in is to help create some of that order and control. But despite the circumstances, despite the situation we might find ourselves in, we can change what we say to ourselves. We can change the way we think.

Mel: 12:28

So I want to encourage you this week to maybe get a little bit uncomfortable in saying some really good things about yourself. Maybe write down five things on a post-it note, stick around the mirror or have reminders pop up on your phone. Do something that is going to remind you ah, I need to say this to myself, I need to say it again and again and again and something that's going to force you to do it. You're going to feel weird, you're going to feel uncomfortable. You're going to. You know people around you might think you're crazy, but it starts with you. And once you start speaking good about yourself, trust me, so much changes.

Mel: 13:27

When I started speaking more positively to myself a number of years ago, all of a sudden my confidence grew and with that confidence came a whole nother level of attraction. I don't really, I guess attraction is the word for it but when it came to work, when it came to friendships, all of that, I all of a sudden attracted this level of conviction and authority that it didn't matter what role I was in. I could have been in the bottom service role, but people were like she knows more than the role she's in. She's in control of so much more. This role, this title, this thing doesn't define her. Now, yeah, that's a work example.

Mel: 14:27

But when you start believing I am good enough. You start carrying yourself differently. You start opening doors to things that all of a sudden you've got more job opportunities, you've got other things there, because people notice. People notice when you're feeling more confident, more in control and you carry yourself to a level that a lot of people around you probably aren't, a level that a lot of people around you probably aren't.

Mel: 15:09

And it's funny how, when I was going for my last job, you know they're saying that when a man goes for a role, he kind of looks over the requirements and if he kind of thinks, oh yeah, I tick maybe 60, 70% of it, he's like yep, I'm good enough and he'll go for it. There's just this confidence that men seem to have a little bit more naturally than women. Or maybe not naturally, maybe it's conditioned I'm not an expert on that but when a woman goes for a job and she sees the requirements, she thinks I need to tick all of that, 100% of that. If she goes, oh, I haven't quite got the five years experience or I haven't quite got that skill, or she'll just write off the job completely. Now, not every woman, but a lot.

Mel: 15:57

And it's funny because I was like that too and when I went for this last job didn't quite tick everything because I had no banking experience, but I'd been in insurance for 10 years and I looked at it and I kind of ticked everything else but because of the journey I'd been on, I went. I know I can do this job, I know I'm a fast learner, I know that whatever I might fall short in now, I'm going to catch up in no time because I know myself and I'm confident I can do it. And look, in a matter of weeks I was doing things that some people for a couple of years still weren't doing so. And when I look at them, it's not that they weren't capable, they just didn't back themselves. And a big part of what drives success and happiness and all of that is how you see yourself, how you back yourself, that level of confidence. So with today I really just wanted to encourage you that, even if life is just crappy right now and you're thinking, oh, my goodness, like this is overwhelming, this is so hard, I can't keep on top of my kids and the house and my job and you know, and then you've got to try and find time for your partner and everything on top of that, and oh, just the thought of him touching me makes me want to just scream because you're so stressed out. Then I encourage you. I mean I could tell you, stop feeling guilty, you deserve it. I could tell you till I'm blue in the face. It's not going to mean anything and it's not helpful, but I'm hoping that you can take away from this going I'm actually going to start speaking a little bit nicer to myself. I'll finish with one more story when I was. I'll finish with one more story.

Mel: 18:29

When I was dating my husband in the early days I spoke so badly about myself. I was 22, I think at the time and I was probably the queen of negative self-talk. I was, yeah, very good at it and he couldn't quite understand why. I mean he liked what he saw, but I just saw someone who just was never good enough, just wasn't good at anything. But I was hoping I was good enough for him. But then he sat down for dinner with my family one night and I was sort of the butt of jokes. It was just always a thing with my family that you know, I was just the center of the joke a lot of the time and I would laugh because I go. Well, that was pretty funny, even though it wasn't my expense. But I kind of got used to that because I was like, well, at least no one else is being joked about, because I don't want anyone else to go and get hurt, and I kind of developed this thick skin. It didn't bother me so much until I realized it bothered me down the track. But once Sam experienced that at the time, he then understood why I wasn't so kind to myself and that's because they weren't saying the kindest things to me. Now don't get me wrong, my family love me. They've always loved me and there's never been any doubt in it. But it's that banter, that Aussie banter that we have, and my husband is very German, like he grew up here Sounds Aussie, but he is actually German, and so he just still can't quite get a grip on the Aussie banter. And when he experienced that and he saw what I had to deal with, I guess he then realized that he needed to get me into a position where I was starting to speak kindly to myself. Now that came at a cost. So what he made me do now I've always struggled a bit with money in the earlier years and I was terrible at it.

Mel: 21:07

So he made me get a piggy bank and every time I said something negative, I had to put a dollar in there and then, when we had enough money or whatever, we were going to do it, we were going to spend it and it wasn't just going to be spent for me on my bills and things or whatever. So I remember early on there was one day and at the end of the day I ended up with 20 bucks in there and I thought, geez, I said 20 things about myself that wasn't kind and that could have been in the form of a joke. It could have just been in there. Oh my gosh, why did I do that? That's so stupid kind of talk. And yeah, 20 bucks in a day. So we and we caught up that night we went down to Hungry Jack's and we bought some dinner and, yeah, thanks to my negative talk, money and I realized I was going to go broke very quickly.

Mel: 22:21

So I did start being more intentional with how I talked and it took a while. And look, every now and then it comes out. I am not perfect, I have not got it all down pat, but I am so different from that girl, I am so different from how I was back then and I really do have my husband to thank for that and I and I started off by just trying not to say something bad, and it was hard. But when I started actually saying no, I can do this, I think I can do this, I'm good enough to do this or I deserve this, and whatever it was sometimes I was just biting my tongue that all helped in pulling me out of this negative place and actually going into this more positive one, and so maybe you need something more practical like that too. Maybe you need some sort of consequence for when you say something negative. So anyway, I know I've probably rambled a bit.

Mel: 23:43

I do treat this a lot like a conversation, as I've said before, and I would love to hear your thoughts on this. I would love to hear if this has helped you, or even if you're stuck in this place. I really do care about every person I come in contact with. I don't want anyone anyone to feel like they don't deserve to be happy because you do, and I don't care if you were once a terrible person, that you hurt a lot of people and you did some bad things, maybe even like got a criminal history. I do not care, because that doesn't need to define you and your worth and who you are, because you can make a decision to start speaking life, start speaking good things into you and look.

Mel: 24:49

I'm sorry if I am the only person that is believing in you right now, but even if that's the case, I'd love to hear from you. I'd love to be able to support you on your journey, because, as much as organising is my jam and I help women in particular I've helped men too but as much as I help people in creating some order and control in their life, it's not because we just want to have the pretty home or the color-coded calendar. It looks good, but that's not the reason. The whole reason is so we can have a more enjoyable life, so we're not bogged down by those things that actually we don't tend to care about so much, that we actually have the time for what matters, because you could throw all the money in the world at something, but if you don't have enough time, what have you got?

Mel: 25:59

So time is precious and if I can help you speed up the process so you can start enjoying your life, then I encourage you to start speaking life today, because you know your light doesn't dim anyone else's. It only helps them see what's possible. So by you finding your own light, finding your own joy, finding your own happiness like genuinely being happy for where you're at then you're only going to help other people to start seeing the good things in their life too. If you loved this episode, don't forget to hit subscribe so you don't miss what's coming next. And if you want to continue the conversation, you can connect with me on Instagram, at shizorganized, or for some free resources, head over to beyondorganizedcom slash toolkit. Remember, organising is a tool to live the purposeful life beyond it. See you next time.